It Was Never Just About Food -The truth about eating disorders, disordered eating, control, self-worth and what healing really looks like.

By Nicole Denner

It Was Never Just About Food

The truth about eating disorders, disordered eating, control, self-worth and what healing really looks like.

Trigger warning: This blog discusses eating disorders, bulimia, purging, restriction, body image, mental health and recovery. Please take care of yourself while reading. You never have to read something that isn't right for you today. ❤️

There is something I want you to understand before we begin.

Eating disorders are about so much more than food.

They can be about control.
They can be about anxiety.
They can be about trauma.
They can be about perfectionism.
They can be about shame.
They can be about self-worth.
They can be about needing an escape from emotions that feel too big to handle.

And yes...

They can also be about the way we see ourselves.

But reducing an eating disorder to simply "you need to love yourself more" completely misses the bigger picture.

I know this because I lived it.

My story...

From approximately the age of 6 until 16, I struggled with bulimia, alongside anorexic tendencies.

And even writing that sentence now feels surreal.

Because how does a six-year-old even begin to understand something like that?

I remember being at ballet at school and becoming increasingly aware of bodies, appearance, what was considered beautiful and what I believed I was "supposed" to look like.

I remember asking one of my best friends:

"How do I vomit up my food?"

She answered me.

And that moment became the beginning of something that would affect me for years.

Think about that for a moment.

Six years old.

A child.

And already learning that perhaps my body wasn't good enough.

Already learning that food could be something to fear.

Already learning that changing my body might somehow make me more acceptable.

That breaks my heart when I look back at that little girl now.

Because she didn't need to be thinner.

She didn't need to be prettier.

She didn't need to change.

She needed to know she was enough.

I didn't think I had an eating disorder

One of the most important things I want people to understand is that denial can be incredibly powerful.

I didn't walk around thinking:

"I have an eating disorder."

I didn't think I needed help with food.

In fact, when I eventually went into a mental health facility, I was there because of depression and multiple suicide attempts.

I thought I was there for my mental health.

"I'm here because I'm depressed. NOT because I have an eating disorder!"

Then I was assessed.

And they discovered that I was struggling with an eating disorder too.

I was angry.

I was frustrated.

I was resentful.

I didn't want to hear it.

I didn't want another problem.

I certainly didn't want to be admitted to an Eating Disorder Unit.

But I was.

And I spent 21 days there.

It became one of the most challenging experiences of my healing journey.

At the time, I didn't understand how intertwined everything actually was.

I was also dealing with depression, anxiety, insomnia, OCD symptoms, self-harm and an enormous amount of emotional pain.

Looking back, I can see something I couldn't see then:

The eating disorder wasn't existing in isolation.

Sometimes food becomes a coping mechanism

This is one of the biggest lessons I learned.

When life feels completely out of control, sometimes we desperately search for something we can control.

For me, food became one of those things.

I couldn't control everything happening around me.

But I could control:

What I ate.
When I ate.
How much I ate.
Whether I ate.
Whether I purged.
Whether I exercised.
Whether I used laxatives.

The eating disorder gave me an illusion of control.

And that illusion can be incredibly powerful.

Purging, restricting and abusing laxatives weren't simply about wanting to be thin.

They became ways of coping.

When something stressful happened, I could turn toward the eating disorder.

When I felt overwhelmed, I could turn toward the eating disorder.

When I hated myself, I could punish myself.

And when I couldn't control the outside world...

I could control my body.

Or at least, that's what I believed.

But the "control" came at a devastating cost

During my illness, I experienced restriction, purging and heavy laxative abuse.

My body became extremely unwell.

My heart rate became dangerously high.

My body was struggling.

I wasn't allowed to exercise or even walk too quickly.

After meals, bathroom access was restricted and monitored because purging was such a significant concern.

Meals were supervised.

I had to eat multiple times throughout the day.

At the time, it felt restrictive and frustrating.

Now, I understand that my body needed protection.

Because eating disorders aren't harmless habits.

They can have serious consequences for the heart, gastrointestinal system, teeth, bones, metabolism, hydration and overall physical functioning. Bulimia, for example, can contribute to dehydration, electrolyte abnormalities, gastrointestinal problems and damage to tooth enamel.

And those consequences aren't always immediately visible.

You cannot always see an eating disorder

This is something I desperately wish more people understood.

You cannot look at someone and know whether they have an eating disorder.

A person can be extremely unwell and not look "sick enough" according to society's standards.

Eating disorders can affect people across different body sizes, ages, genders and backgrounds. Someone's appearance does not tell you whether they are struggling.

And bulimia taught me this personally.

My weight fluctuated.

I experienced significant bloating.

There were times when I looked physically different from what people expected someone with an eating disorder to look like.

Yet I was incredibly unwell.

And still, people commented on my body.

The comments we think are harmless can stay with someone forever

I've heard things like:

"Oh wow, you can wear that dress because it fits all your curves."

"Should you really be eating that burger?"

"Men at least like some meat on girls."

"OMG, how many months are you?"

"Babe, don't you know how to pull in your stomach?"

Comments like these might seem insignificant to the person saying them.

But you don't know what someone is already battling internally.

You don't know whether they're struggling with food.

You don't know whether they're standing in front of a mirror every night criticizing their body.

You don't know whether they're already terrified of gaining weight.

You don't know whether they've spent the entire day starving themselves.

You don't know whether that "joke" becomes the sentence they repeat to themselves for years.

**So please...

Think before you comment on somebody else's body.**

You never know what someone is carrying.

Society's obsession with "perfect"

We've created an environment where we're constantly being told:

Be thinner.

Be prettier.

Be younger.

Have the right body.

Eat perfectly.

Exercise perfectly.

Look perfect.

Live perfectly.

And somehow...

we're supposed to believe that perfect exists.

It doesn't.

We are beautifully, wonderfully, messily human.

We have different bodies.

Different genetics.

Different metabolisms.

Different experiences.

Different cultures.

Different lives.

Different needs.

There is no single body that represents what "healthy" or "beautiful" is supposed to look like.

And your worth cannot be measured by a number on a scale, the size of your clothes, the shape of your body or how closely you resemble someone else's appearance.

Eating disorders aren't all the same

There isn't one single way an eating disorder looks.

Some of the recognized eating disorders include:

Anorexia Nervosa

Severe restriction of food intake, often accompanied by an intense fear of gaining weight and significant disturbance around body weight or shape.

Bulimia Nervosa

Repeated binge-eating episodes followed by compensatory behaviours such as vomiting, fasting, excessive exercise or misuse of laxatives.

Binge-Eating Disorder

Repeated episodes of binge eating accompanied by a sense of loss of control and significant distress, without regular compensatory behaviours.

ARFID

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder involves significant restriction or avoidance of food for reasons that aren't primarily about wanting to lose weight or change body shape. This can involve sensory sensitivities, fear of consequences such as choking or vomiting, or a lack of interest in eating.

OSFED & UFED

There are also eating-disorder presentations that don't fit neatly into the other categories but can still cause significant distress and impairment.

These are real illnesses, not simply someone being "fussy," "dramatic," "undisciplined" or "bad with food."

And then there is disordered eating...

Not everyone who struggles with food meets the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder.

But that doesn't mean the relationship with food is healthy.

Disordered eating can include things like:

• Constant dieting

• Skipping meals

• Restricting food

• Fasting as punishment

• Rigid food rules

• Obsessively counting calories

• Labelling foods "good" and "bad"

• Fear of particular foods

• Compulsive exercise

• Exercising to "earn" food

• Feeling guilty after eating

• Compensating after eating

• Obsessive weighing

• Body checking

• Avoiding social situations because of food

• Constantly thinking about food, weight or body shape

Disordered eating exists on a spectrum and may not meet the clinical criteria for an eating disorder, but the distress and unhealthy relationship with food are still worthy of attention.

And this is where I want to gently say:

You don't have to wait until things become "bad enough" to ask for help.

It's not always about wanting to be thin

This is something I wish I understood sooner.

Sometimes the deeper question isn't:

"Why do I want to be thinner?"

Sometimes it's:

"What am I trying to feel?"

"What am I trying not to feel?"

"What am I trying to control?"

"What happened that made me believe my body wasn't enough?"

"Where did I learn that my worth was connected to my appearance?"

"What does food represent for me?"

"What would happen if I stopped punishing myself?"

These questions can take us somewhere much deeper.

Because underneath the food behaviours, there can be layers of beliefs, emotions, experiences, fears and coping mechanisms that need compassion and understanding.

Eating disorders can also occur alongside other mental-health difficulties, including anxiety and depression, which is one reason comprehensive support matters.

Healing isn't just learning to eat again

Healing is learning to live again.

It's learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions without immediately needing to escape them.

It's learning that food isn't something you need to earn.

It's learning that your body isn't your enemy.

It's learning that rest isn't failure.

It's learning that your worth doesn't fluctuate with your weight.

It's learning to challenge the voice that tells you:

"You're not enough."

It's learning to recognize triggers.

It's learning healthier coping mechanisms.

It's learning boundaries.

It's learning self-compassion.

It's learning to forgive yourself.

It's learning that setbacks don't erase progress.

And sometimes...

It's learning how to look in the mirror and finally see a human being instead of a problem that needs fixing.

My body still carries parts of my story

I would love to tell you that once you recover, everything magically disappears.

But healing doesn't always work that way.

My body has carried consequences from what I experienced.

I've dealt with ongoing digestive and bloating issues, changes in how my body responds to food and physical reminders of years of purging, including damage to my teeth.

There are things I wish I could go back and change.

But I can't.

And perhaps that's part of healing too.

Learning to stop fighting the past.

I can't change what happened to that little girl.

But I can love her.

I can understand her.

I can have compassion for her.

And I can be grateful that she kept going.

Recovery is possible

I want you to hear this part very clearly.

Recovery is possible.

It may not be linear.

It may not be quick.

It may involve setbacks.

It may involve therapy.

It may involve medical care.

It may involve nutrition support.

It may involve medication.

It may involve coaches, mentors, support groups, psychiatrists, psychologists, loved ones and other professionals.

And sometimes it involves a whole team.

There is no shame in that.

Asking for help isn't weakness.

It is strength.

Eating disorders can be serious and sometimes life-threatening, but they are treatable, and early support can make an important difference.

You are more than your relationship with food

You are more than your body.

More than your weight.

More than your reflection.

More than your calories.

More than your clothing size.

More than your eating habits.

More than your worst day.

More than your past.

More than the things you've done to survive.

And please remember this:

Your body does not need to become smaller for your life to become bigger.

Your worth isn't something you have to lose weight to earn.

Your worth isn't something you have to prove.

Your worth isn't something you have to negotiate.

You already have it.

And if you're struggling right now...

Maybe you don't call it an eating disorder.

Maybe you call it "being disciplined."

Maybe you say:

"I'm just trying to eat healthier."

"I'm just trying to lose a few kilos."

"I can stop whenever I want."

"It's not that bad."

"Other people have it worse."

Maybe you hide it.

Maybe nobody knows.

Maybe you've convinced everyone. Including yourself, that you're fine.

Or maybe you know exactly what's happening, but you're terrified of asking for help.

Wherever you are...

you don't have to be ashamed.

And you don't have to figure everything out today.

Start with one honest conversation.

Start with one safe person.

Start with one step.

Because sometimes the first step isn't recovery.

Sometimes the first step is simply admitting that you deserve support.

🌸 If you're ready to start looking at what's underneath it...

This is a deeply personal area of work for me.

Not only because of my professional studies and experience supporting people through mindset, emotional wellbeing and personal growth...

But because I've walked through my own darkness.

I know what it feels like to be in denial.

I know what it feels like to be angry at the people trying to help.

I know what it feels like to hate your reflection.

I know what it feels like to believe you're not enough.

And I know what it feels like to slowly begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

That is why my approach isn't about judging you.

It isn't about shaming you.

It isn't about telling you to "just love yourself."

And it certainly isn't about giving you another set of rules to follow.

It's about understanding YOU.

Your mindset.

Your emotions.

Your beliefs.

Your experiences.

Your patterns.

Your relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with food.

Your relationship with your body.

And the beautiful person underneath everything you've been carrying.

My 1:1 Coaching is a supportive space to explore your personal growth across mind, body and soul.

If you're navigating disordered eating, struggling with your relationship with food and your body, rebuilding self-worth, or simply know that something within you needs to change, you are welcome to reach out.

You don't need to have all the answers.

You don't need to know exactly what's wrong.

You don't need to be "ready" for everything.

You just need to be willing to take the first step.

I offer a FREE 20-minute consultation where we can talk about where you currently are on your journey, what you're struggling with, what you're hoping to change and whether we feel that working together would be a good fit.

📧 Email me at: [email protected]

There is no pressure.

Just a conversation.

A place to begin.

And if we're not the right fit, that's okay too. Your wellbeing comes first, and where appropriate, I will always encourage you to seek the medical or specialist eating-disorder support you need alongside personal-development coaching.

Because you deserve support that meets you where you are.

You deserve compassion.

You deserve understanding.

You deserve to heal.

And most importantly...

You deserve a life that isn't controlled by food, your body or the number on a scale.

If a little girl who started this journey at six years old could eventually find her way back to herself...

I truly believe there is hope for you too. ❤️

I believe in you.

I believe that change is possible.

I believe that healing is possible.

I believe that you can learn to have a different relationship with yourself.

And I believe that you are so much more than the battle you're currently facing.

Take the first step.

You don't have to walk it alone.

"Self-care is health-care and in turn Self-love." — Nicole Denner

"Invest in Yourself — Aspire to Inspire." — Nico Life Coaching

❤️ Your journey matters. Your story matters. YOU matter.